As a girl she was taught
(as many are)
her worth and acceptance
were found in the layers and lace she wore on Sundays.

It wasn’t okay to be real.

Her brother’s heart was lost in substance –
Her parents lost in his problems.

She was alone.

Demands, dominance, control, criticism
Kept her in a corner.
She found herself by fixing them.

And lost herself, too.

She searched for the safety.
The fake safety of losing herself in others.
The fake safety of becoming their shadow,
their mirror,
their puppet.
But it was only that: FAKE

She was broken by them.
She was broken intimately and physically,
She was broken, taken, and ripped open.

She swirled in a windstorm of repetition…
Choosing men
Choosing drink
Choosing the darkness
NOT choosing the hurt, the hit, the harm.
NOT choosing the loss, the loneliness, the lifelessness.
Until the bottom fell out and she couldn’t bury herself anymore.

There was no one to fake.

Instead of escaping to the safety of the fake, the empty, the desolate,
she RAN.

She ran to the One who took her broken and wrappped it in His arms.
His gentle hands cupped her face and showed her the need she had for
She could pour herself out to Him.
And He could finally fill her.

No appearance.
No dominance.
No control.
No criticism.

Only trust in Him. The One.
The truest Lover.
Desires for darkness:


Hunger for His goodness flowing.

Gifts given –

True Love
The path of forgiveness
The grace of the Cross bearer

The beauty of her brokenness – ALL GUILT GONE.

Paula’s Prayer:
Psalm 32:1-5. The New Living Translation


Oh, what joy for those whose rebellion is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!